Yesterday just drained me.  I am so filled with anguish and I feel so defeated.  I tried talking about it, but it didn't help.  I also prayed about it, that did comfort me, but now I have to figure out how to pull out of this pit that I have been tossed in.  It is the same pit that I spent my childhood in.  It is familiar to me.  As a kid I made a home in it.  Where I felt safe in being invisible.  Where my only company was Jehovah.  He protected me in my pit and I never felt totally alone.  

My aunt told me how she could see how I would try to be invisible and never make noise so as to be noticed.  If I was noticed pain would be coming at me.  And she could see that, where no one else did.  Here I had thought I went unnoticed, as that was my protection, and she could see exactly what was happening.  But she couldn't fix it for me.  No one could.  

But in time my hubby and our kids helped me out of my hiding place, and I like being among them.  I don't want to be invisible anymore.  It would be too easy to go back into hiding.  I feel safe there, because no one can hurt me when I am there.  But it isn't my home anymore.  

So I have to find a way to leave it.  Perhaps I need to close the door to my pit.  I left it open, in case I needed to go back, in case i encountered my brother.  Now I can handle my brother and I can handle my mother, but I can't handle the two of them together.  I couldn't handle them in the past on my own, but I have learned Jehovah has my back as well as EO and the kids.  But when it is my mother & brother's combined forces... I don't have the strength for it.  Maybe someday, or maybe never.  At least when the new system is here, it will put an end to my pain once and for all.