last night was rough.  i had so much pain in my hips i was whimpering off and on during the night.  This morning, they kill so bad, at times it takes my breath away.  i took pain pills last night and it did help, but not enough.  I have a feeling that my hips are much worse because of how stressed out we are.  just super mega stressed.  i know stress makes me 10x sicker and I am under a huge amount of stress right now.  i am trying to not dwell and just leave it to Jehovah, but there are still so many decisions we have to make and many aspects we can't avoid. At least we did manage morning worship.  actually, we got ahead, because EO has to be gone all day tomorrow, from really stinkin early in the morning throughout most of the day.  So we did tomorrow's Bible reading, as there is no way I can wake up as early as EO has to.  by the time he gets home, we will have family worship and then I will be back to bed. 

so, the other night, EO told me, that in the past 2-3 years, I have been doing something I never used to do.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  He said, while I sleep, my legs twitch and move constantly.  I know when I am awake, I move my legs alot, trying to find a spot they don't hurt in.  well, not just my legs hurt but my hips and back and whatnot.  anyways, we are wondering if my pain, is carrying over when I sleep, so that I keep moving and twitching.  He says most of the night i move pretty steady.  

well, mom's problems just keep getting worse.  for awhile now, she has had trouble using the bathroom.  (divert eyes if you don't want to know this).  when they did the scan over her bladder they found that her the spinal disease she has in her low back, is squishing her organs and tissues together. all that tissue is preventing her bladder from emptying.  the same is happening with her bowels.  she doesn't empty for up to 10 days, even though she has softeners and what not.  her colon is getting smashed together.  she is in agony.  for awhile now she mainly eating, soups and that sort of thing. but with her coughing up blood, we are wondering if it isn't coming from her bowels.  I just don't know.  we wanted her to go into the hospital Sunday, but she just won't go.  she has been trying to reach a couple of her doctors, for a few days now, but none of them are getting back to her.  I want her to just go into the ER, have them admit her, and keep her until they do surgery.  we are guessing they are going to either give her bags or some sort of surgery.  she can't keep going the way she is.  since they could help her, there is no reason to put it off.  just get it done already.   but i think she afraid that if they do that, they will put her in a nursing home.  well... that may not be the case, but we can't get her to cooperate with us on getting help.  if i have to i will go over there myself and call for an ambulance to come and take her in.  

EO has to be gone all day with his dad today.  Thursday my mom has a doc apt and he will have to be gone all day for her. I know she wants to wait, so that she can get the shot in her hip before going in, but i think they should be able to give her that shot even if she is in the hospital.

so i am worried about her.  the more pain she is in, the worse her condition will get.  the more pain, the less chance she will relax enough for her bowels to work.  i am worried, that squeezing that is going on in there, is just going to kink something off and cause infection.  she doesn't need that on top of everything else.

sigh!

EO isn't around much for a couple days.  It is so hard for him.  Not only is he trying to take care of his mom and his dad, and my mom and me.. but he still has the apartments to take care of.  at least he can get paid for me and my mom, since we take up so much of his time.  but, then he understands his responsibility that Jehovah has assigned him to take care of me and his parents, and my mom.  each of us need him so much, but he is trying to juggle us, without neglecting us.  I try to not tell him i need him so much, so he can be able to be there for his parents and my mom, but he knows better.  his dad hasn't been well, and Bill wants EO to drive him to town every day.  but if he does that, he can't help me or my mom. my mom has been trying not to call EO for help so much... so he can be there for his parents, but, then... like now, my mom's health just gets more serious, because he can't be there to get her taken care of.  Steph & Lauren are trying to help out with everything as well.  Lauren drove Bill to town yesterday, but the stress of it, just knotted her back up.  Steph has so little time to help with driving.  plus the girls have had to take care of the house a lot more and me a lot more. 
there just aren't enough people to handle all the things EO has to handle. Bill wants to go up everyday to see Carol.  but there are just not enough people to take him.  and right now, we are just hanging on by a thread. Once Panera Bread opens up, Steph will be gone a lot more, then... I am afraid EO will snap.  Lauren has to be there for my mom and me, and that is just too much on her to do, and for her to do her schooling.  Colton isn't around much, and when he is, he is sleeping.  I am just thanking Jehovah, that it hasn't been snowing much the past few weeks or, EO would have broken a while ago. There is so much at the apartments that no one but EO can do.  If he didn't have so many directions and demands on him... he doesn't even have time to process that he is loosing his mom, in all this chaos. 

So, we need more drivers to take Bill to town.  
We need mom's docs to take aggressive action and actually help her.  
We need to lesson EO's loads, he has too many...way to many, or at least help him with them.
We need my health issues to not get in the way of his responsibilities, or at least not distract him from his responsibilities. 
we need the strength to endure, and all the other stuff i can't think of.

some might say, my mom isn't EO's responsibility. but she is mine.  we have talked about this a long time ago. since I can't do the physical stuff, then EO will help me by taking on the physical stuff.  Just like, if he was the one who was sick, I would be the one who would help with B&C.  Jehovah is the one who says the children are the ones who need to care for the parents.  If one child is a deadbeat, and never does anything to help or just helps once in a blue moon, doesn't give the other children the right to slack off.  I can't count how many times I prayed my brother would help.  I asked him repeatedly, but nope.  not an ounce of help.  so it has been on me for all these years.  oh, there was a few months many years ago that he helped.  but that was it.  it is so hard to not have more family who can help carry the load. oh well, this is how it is, you can't make someone not be selfish. in the end, we don't have to answer to Jehovah for what they wouldn't do, just what we do.  having a clean conscience that we genuinely did the best we could, is the gift we receive. 

so i am overwhelmed and need help... well, EO needs help, and B&C, and my mom, and and and