for my kids

I am so sad... so discouraged. i got a message this morning, and it just made me feel like such a looser.  i'm already crushed about not being able to get to the C.O. visit and more of the convention... and I know people mean well, that they are trying to encourage me, but for me, it is just a slap in the face.  i always take things too personally.  i have always beaten myself up because i'm not good enough.  I know Satan knows what will push me over the edge to discourage and hurt me.  He knows I have always been told I was a disappointment from the moment I was born.  He knows I have never felt like I was wanted.  Granted Jehovah blessed me with EO,... what Jehovah's gives is always so much greater and He knows the big picture and what we are going to need in our life.  Jehovah knew I was going to need constant reassurance and that my issues of never being able to be of value to anyone, would constantly be triggered by people from outside as well as my failures... like having been so sick and missing convention and the C.O. visit.  

I think people think I have given up trying.  (even the pic I posted here, says it too, even if I can't do it, I will never stop trying) so if they think i have given up,  it couldn't be further from the truth.  i think about the meetings every day, and hope i will be able to attend.  the day before, i examine and figure out when I need to shower, what i will wear, where my meeting books are, i always hold out the hope i will be well enough to attend.  but the fact is, i'm kidding myself, i'm never going to be well enough again.  i'm just going to keep getting sicker every day. as it is, i currently am thinking about getting a cane or walker... i'm 44 and i need a walker or cane... can't even believe how that crushes my spirit.  i look around at people, who have some degree of health, health i haven't seen in myself in such a long time.  

well, I try to be careful when I feel like this, because I don't want EO to feel like I don't value all he does for me and how much he cares as well as the kids, I know how much they care.  But, really, it is more about me not reaching my goals and it is one thing to cope with the disappointment of it, it is another when I feel like someone says I'm not trying hard enough, when as EO says, they have no clue how hard it is for me to even do what I can do.  Like how walking without something to hang onto, wears me out because it takes all my strength to think about foot placement, balance, rotating my body when I am turning my feet, stopping and starting, adjusting height difference in the flooring, focusing on my ankles so they don't roll out on me, side stepping, and most important, not letting anything distract me, because it only takes a split second distraction, like an itch or sound to knock me out of my concentration and then I fall. Thus the reason I break out into a sweat after walking for just two minutes.  this is what i have to do each and every time i get up, to get something from the kitchen or use the bathroom or go out for morning worship, and why the docs have told me to stay off the treadmill and why i have a wheel chair for any serious walking.   

but even with that, hearing someone say, I'm not trying hard enough....with my constant fevers, flare ups, digestive issues... i think those are the 3 things that debilitate me the most and keep me from being out and about.