So yesterday, there was an announcement at the end of the meeting, but throughout...mainly the WT lesson, the phone kept cutting out.  I thought it was just my phone, cause it does that sometimes.  but it was the Hall line.  Anyways, it cut out through most of the announcement and pretty much all of the closing prayer.  So my mom called me, and asked if I was able to hear the announcement, which I said no.  So she called the hall and talked to Randy (since he was the one who gave the announcement.

The announcement was, that there would be no more phone hook ups for the meetings.  Which made me wonder, because I was told, the C.O. said we needed to get that set up. and that made me wonder why there isn't going to be phone hook up.  Well, then, i thought, maybe I don't need to know, if they wanted us to know they would have announced it. My mom asked if we could call Lauren's phone and she just leaves it on during the meeting, but they said no to that as well.   Well, whatever the reason, we will just have to get help from Jehovah to figure something else out.

Well, I don't have a tape player anymore to record.  it is hard to find a small tape recorder, they are just out of date.  as well as cassette tapes were getting hard to find when we used to record for my mom.  

I don't own a MP3 or anything like that. I really don't have the money to buy anything.  a few years ago, my mom spend a ton of money (around $200) on an MP3 player, it worked for just over a year and then quit.  

EO is going to ask about getting what Bill got for Carol, i think it is digital.  But again, we don't really have funds this month to buy anything extra.  My mom doesn't have much money either to buy something.  So I think we will miss a few meetings until we can do something.  My mom might be able to buy something if it doesn't cost too much.  But, as for me, it just isn't in our budget this month.  If we would have had some notice, a couple weeks or something, then we might have been able to arrange something.  But not this fast.  

Then I thought about aux for March & April... I just can't.  I haven't gotten addresses from the Hall since last March, and it was only enough to get me through March.  I still managed April, but it was super tough.  We have asked for addresses like a bazillion times, but never get any..  We got chewed out for not turning our addresses in, so we turned them in, but we don't get them back.  Then EO talked to the C.O. and he said to just keep ours, since we don't get them back.  what I get from the family is no where near enough to aux for 2 months.  or even one month.

so today I had a bit of a meltdown.  not bad, but just a little over whelmed. I don't know what to do.  I feel bad for not aux. because we are encouraged to do all we can.  but, my hands are tied.  maybe it is not trusting in Jehovah enough. I am trying to do as much as I can. but i feel like such a looser for not doing more.  my meeting notes will come to an end.

maybe if my head wasn't going in so many different directions. with all that is happening here and all that we are coping with.  i could think more clearly.  but today, i feel defeated.  no meetings, no service. of what use am i.   of what value.

wow, i guess, the meetings and service are a big part of what is keeping me together.  take those away, and my reason for "trying" is diminished.
trying to help my family, trying to grow spiritually, trying to help others, trying to be encouraging to others, trying to live.
I have hit a major low.
and thinking about how this will effect mom, and those with very serious health problems, home bound, bed ridden... what will they do?
i guess maybe i will just keep considering those who are in prisons. how many years they had to go without meetings.  Maybe i can do some research on what they had to do.  I know a lot of the time, they had other inmates and they helped each other to cope.  Like Paul and others.  I know I am not in a jail/prison, but with my health issues, they keep me from being able to be our and about like everyone else.  So in a way, my home is a prison. and my health problems are a prison.

i know my avenue for prayer isn't gone.  it is just my worship is all.  I'm sure Jehovah will figure something out.  i know he can make things happen really fast, but i also know sometimes he needs us to be patient. so whatever his timetable is, i will try to be patient for an answer.    

i will also try to not take this personal.  it feels personal, because it is my worship.  but i'm not the only one effected, so i have to keep others in mind first and forget about me.  hope i can do it.  i am painfully discouraged, but I know Satan uses discouragement.  So if i never get to hear another meeting, i will have to try to adapt.