I woke up about 4am, and had such a bad headache, which that means all day I will have to fight a migraine.  Lauren too has a terrible headache.  so I am not doing much.  well i did pull some of the dead leaves off a couple plants in my bathroom.  They were over due and it was bugging me every time i looked at them.  something so simple that takes all of 2 minutes...well, it is done now.

i am so sick. just ... 

I haven't heard anything today about J... or Carol. EO drove Bill up to see Carol, but I don't know if he was going to be able to go see J or not.  

So the girls are taking care of me today.  Although Lauren isn't feeling well, but she is still trying to help me out.  I had to take a mega pill last night, I know I could use another one today, but I am trying to hold off.  the new pain pills i have are not narcotics, but they are still for pain and i try not to take extra meds because i have so many i have to take all the time.  well anyway... 

last week was one of the worst weeks i have ever had in my life.  some stuff happened, and ... perhaps the extraordinarily high stress I was under,  maybe have triggered something and my body is clicked me into a new level of illness. i was awoken in the wee hours of the morning, jolted out of bed, and i had to be instantly alert, perceptive and a psychologist.  I had been praying that Jehovah help me.  Everything worked out well and with my quick and deep thinking, could have only come from Jehovah.  I can't pull that off anytime.  And most times i don't manage to wake up during the night, let alone think  and reason.  I had been praying for Jehovah's help in various aspects of my life... well, with the trauma we just went through, it actually helped.  as soon as things settled down and I was no longer on "high alert", i can't thank Jehovah enough for helping me through it.  The only thing is, I am still a little "post traumatic stressed" out.   Everything ended up going the right way, but, I keep breaking down in thinking, "what if" it went the wrong way, i would have been utterly destroyed.   Normally, people say the "what if" they would have done it different so it would be better.  and i am thinking he could have gone so wrong.  I need to quit that.  it is eating away at me.  my hope is, by writing this today, i won't think about it again tomorrow. many times that is how it is.  i have an issue, i write about it, and i am able to let it go.  i know some who read this won't understand, mostly i hope it won't offend... you can never know what is going to rub someone the wrong way or cause them to be upset.  NEVER is that my intention.  I write to help me with my issues and hang ups, what i have to cope with each day, and writing helps me put things in perspective and keep me from falling apart and going crazy.  

Chronic illness is an ugly beast that torments you in all aspects of one's life.  it never lets up, not for a minute.  i still remember what it was like to feel good and not have constant pain.  it was a very long time ago.  i wasn't afraid of work, and i enjoyed working hard.  now, i pick a couple dead leaves off a plant and find that an accomplishment. very few people have a clue all i endure.  so i write. i write to remind me, this will be over soon.

new topic.  there are a very few things i have wanted since i was a child, things i really have looked forward to, but for some reason, i don't think i will ever see happen.  Granted there are a few things i have wanted and I have received, but not to many. i don't think i have ever told another living soul about those things.  i mentioned them to EO some time ago, but i never told him just how badly i want to see those things happen.  In fact, Jehovah is the only one i have ever told.  they are all things, I have asked him to handle when he sees the time is right.  i know he will too, because I know he cares about his people.  i'm not sure why i am babbling about this. perhaps the previous topics is what brought them to mind.

so i will lay low with this headache.