I thought this was cute.  He got his letter.. he is an official CNA now.

I am sure this coming storm is what has triggered this massive headache today.  I am so thankful that I am sleeping decent again.  It just makes me so happy when I wake up in the morning to know I slept well.  Granted, I don't feel great, but I know how much worse I would be if I didn't sleep.  

It is getting tougher on the family.  Carol just, is so bad.  She can't get up by herself anymore.  I noticed last time I was there, she was shaky and twitching, and that is getting much worse.  And there are some other serious problems she is having.  EO keeps going over to spend time with his dad at night.  But it is a drain on EO.  He isn't going to stop going over there, but he could use some added support.  Perhaps, I should encourage him to call Jeff.  He could use some outside encouragement, both emotionally and spiritually.  He not only is loosing his mom, but he is trying to be a source of support to his dad..and mom.  That is a challenge, because it doesn't allow him to focus on his own needs.  

I try to help him, but sometimes you just need to hear from someone outside of the house.  Like when he hurt his back many years ago.  I tried to assure him he was very valuable to me and the family, but he felt like he failed.  I just didn't know how to help him, because he was dismissing what I was saying, because ... i was the wife, I was suppose to be supportive...or something like that.  So when another brother who also dwelt with back pain, stopped in and talked to him, it made a huge impact on him.  Or like, you can tell your kids the same thing over and over, and they dismiss you, but then one day, they hear it from someone else, and it effects them greatly.  Sometimes we just need that.  I am thankful EO has been able to talk to Jeff right along, but I think EO could use an increase of phone calls.  Jeff has really been a blessing, as he really listens to EO and give him the encouragement and guidance he needs.   

I have received a number of cards and messages from many friends... well, not just me, but "we" have.  Over the years, I would mention a message I had gotten for various issues that have come up, but it never effected EO deeply, like it does now.  I watch him as I read the messages and I can see it really touching his heart.  It just goes to show, when loosing a loved one, really changes you.  When we first found out about Carol having cancer, the emotions he felt, woke him to a realization of what I had gone through when I lost my dad.  Now, as she is closer to her sleep, he sees me so differently.  The grief he is feeling already,... Oh, how it makes my heart ache that he has to feel what I have felt.  I would have given anything for him to not have to have such pain from this horrific wound.  

I hate when people say, "death is natural" or "a part of life".  NO IT ISN'T!!!!  Jehovah didn't create us to ever have to die, or ever have to watch loved ones go through the pain and suffering of illness and death.  That was NEVER his intention. so there is nothing natural about it.

I think what is worse is the inner conflict you feel, as much as you never want to loose your loved one, you also don't want to see them suffering when there is nothing more they can do for them.  The push and pull battle is over whelming.  

I have to move on.

we got a different car.  we wanted to trade in our old car while it still had some trade in value.  In another year it would have dropped the value dramatically.  we had been talking about it for awhile.  i kept resisting EO on the topic.  but this time, I prayed about it, and I had no urge to resist, in fact I encouraged him to move forward with it.  Crazy but it is true.  Anyways, I think it was funny, we had a white car, now we have a black car.