our hearts are so heavy.  i don't know if i can talk about it.

yesterday, after being over at the Villa for some time, Kristi gave me a ride to go buy some Gatorade, as i could feel i needed more than water.  When we got back, I went over to my mom's to eat and work on my fluids until EO & Bill were ready to leave.  

well, I went to leave ma's and she was following me, and kind of running me off the sidewalk a little bit, she said, look at my shoes (she had seen mine some time ago and wanted some like it) so I turned my head to look and my left ankle rolled, which caused me to step into a whole in the lawn and because i had my big heavy purse in my right hand and a big heavy bag of Gatorade in my left hand, my arms when flailing around, and i went running down the hill trying to catch my balance, i managed to think to drop what i had in my hands, and the purse landed on the side walk but the bag was around my wrist and I had to twist my wrist to drop it.  then i focused to not lose my shoes on the way down the hill.  I managed to stop just before i hit a big post.  If there had been a video of it, i might have won america's funniest videos.  or something for not falling to the ground.

well, I hurt both ankles, had to put ice on my right ankle as it really swelled up.  I twisted my bad knee (right knee), I jarred both hips real hard, and what hurt the most was my arms and upper back from flailing my heavy purse and heavy bag of water and Gatorade. 

Once i had stopped, I turned around, walked back up the hill, picked up the bag and then went and picked up my purse.  my mom asked, how bad i was hurt, and I said, pretty bad.  She felt so bad.  I said goodbye and went and got in the car.  Bill and EO were just shocked.  EO said he was sure I was going to fall to the ground.  I teased him for not running to my rescue.  But it happened so fast and he couldn't have gotten to me in time anyway.  

my whole body is in a one giant knot.  I spent the night taking pain meds and when I was able to sleep I would wake up hearing myself whimper.  It was not a fun night.

my docs and the IRIS staff ask me if I am at risk for falling.  I didn't tell them I was for a long time.  but now that I tip pretty much every day, and I have more stumbles every week, I tell them.  This "stumble" was pretty extreme.  But this is normal for me.  

It takes so much concentration for me to walk.  People don't realize just what a struggle it is for me to walk.  When I have to walk a long ways, I am worn out, not physical fatigue, but mental fatigue, so I don't fall...or "stumble".   One day I was walking into my ma's place, and it was really stinkin cold out.  well, by the time I got in there, i was sweating buckets but frozen.  My IRIS nurse happened to be there, and she was amazed to see me walking.  but i told her to look carefully.  I had sweat pouring down my face and was frozen (she knew how cold it was).  She was able to realize just how extremely hard i have to concentrate to walk.  (and that day, i had a stumble as well, but it happened when I was between two parked cars and i was able to grab on to them). 

Well, Deenie stayed with Carol last night.  Carol asked, this is the first time since her first surgery she asked to not be left alone. Lauren or Kristi will stay with her tonight.  EO will take Bill up after while.  She wants Bill with her, so he is trying to stay as long as he can.  I won't be able to go, as I am too injured.  Bill and EO understand as they had front row seats to my "stumble". 

Steph did better at work yesterday.  Her back is still touchy but doing so much better.  oh and she still can't bend.  but she isn't needed the mega pain pills that they gave her.  she has been taking one in the morning and one at bed time. i think she is just about out of them now.  she was able to see Carol yesterday morning, but i don't know if she was able to this morning.

well, reports are coming in, and i have to go.  Lauren is with Carol now, so Deenie could go home to sleep.