issues ****UPDATE
Posted by Robyn Nelson on Wednesday, August 28, 2013
as i sit here, waiting for a word from anyone, when she is going in, how she is doing... my old issues, one of my biggest and most debilitating issue of rejection, of not being wanted are totally overwhelming me. My fears and concerns for Carol and Dianne have weakened me to the point that i can't keep my issue of rejection in it's proper perspective. I know why they didn't want me at the hospital with the family today, but my nerves are just stressed out enough, I am loosing my battle with my darkest feelings of worthlessness. Knowing why, isn't helping, all that comes to mind is "they don't want me."
I have prayed, pleaded and begged Jehovah for help. I have stopped sobbing, and I am trying to bury my feelings. but it just feels like i am feeling sorry for myself. .....there are much bigger things to worry about today than my own stupid issues. maybe that is partly why i am feeling like this, so that i don't think too much about Carol. i don't think anyone (but Jehovah) knows just how deeply I love her. I have always had trouble letting people in. I have lost too many that were the most important people to me, cancer is what took most of them. So for Carol to have cancer, i am reliving the last weeks with my dad. yeap, i don't want to have to deal with her having cancer so I am letting me feelings of rejection take hold. well that is just stupid. i guess i will just have to find ways of dealing with both of my worst issues. or maybe i will find a way to roll that onto Jehovah and he can deal with it.
I think my having to be home alone, wasn't a great idea. I would have gotten some encouragement if i would have been up there. here... there is no one i can turn to or lean on. i've said many prayers, but i could really use someone to talk WITH. Oh well, nothing i can do about that now.
BTW, i haven't heard anything yet today about Dianne, other than seeing a pic of her up and walking and also Lynnzee mentioned she was doing good... but no details. As for last night the new kidney was working really good even before she was closed up. So she has a good one. Hope they can give her enough pain meds. I've heard kidney surgery is one of the most painful surgeries. I mostly hope she doesn't have any trouble down the road.
****UPDATE
She is out of surgery and it went smoothly. They were able to remove the tumor and the excess fluid. The the little bits of cancer that is left will be destroyed when she starts the chemo. I am glad they did the surgery first, she would have really suffered having to deal with the chemo first. Colton came home and told me he had gotten a message that she was out of surgery. He had run up there before class for a short time and was able to visit with her (there was a delay and she didn't get into surgery until 1:40. but she was done early) He came home to change before running to work. So he was in and out of here in about five minutes. so at least i found out how it went.
I have prayed, pleaded and begged Jehovah for help. I have stopped sobbing, and I am trying to bury my feelings. but it just feels like i am feeling sorry for myself. .....there are much bigger things to worry about today than my own stupid issues. maybe that is partly why i am feeling like this, so that i don't think too much about Carol. i don't think anyone (but Jehovah) knows just how deeply I love her. I have always had trouble letting people in. I have lost too many that were the most important people to me, cancer is what took most of them. So for Carol to have cancer, i am reliving the last weeks with my dad. yeap, i don't want to have to deal with her having cancer so I am letting me feelings of rejection take hold. well that is just stupid. i guess i will just have to find ways of dealing with both of my worst issues. or maybe i will find a way to roll that onto Jehovah and he can deal with it.
I think my having to be home alone, wasn't a great idea. I would have gotten some encouragement if i would have been up there. here... there is no one i can turn to or lean on. i've said many prayers, but i could really use someone to talk WITH. Oh well, nothing i can do about that now.
BTW, i haven't heard anything yet today about Dianne, other than seeing a pic of her up and walking and also Lynnzee mentioned she was doing good... but no details. As for last night the new kidney was working really good even before she was closed up. So she has a good one. Hope they can give her enough pain meds. I've heard kidney surgery is one of the most painful surgeries. I mostly hope she doesn't have any trouble down the road.
****UPDATE
She is out of surgery and it went smoothly. They were able to remove the tumor and the excess fluid. The the little bits of cancer that is left will be destroyed when she starts the chemo. I am glad they did the surgery first, she would have really suffered having to deal with the chemo first. Colton came home and told me he had gotten a message that she was out of surgery. He had run up there before class for a short time and was able to visit with her (there was a delay and she didn't get into surgery until 1:40. but she was done early) He came home to change before running to work. So he was in and out of here in about five minutes. so at least i found out how it went.
