It has been over 2 1/2 weeks since the surgery and I am healing nicely.  I have been REALLY tired, but that is to be expected with all the healing I have to do.

I took the tape off my 4 incision holes.  One looks amazing, one good the other two, not too good.  I think there may have been a bit of infection in them.  I put ointment on them and they are better now, but not as pretty as the other two.

Everyone has been taking such good care of me.  It has been nice to see everyone chipping in.  They don't let me lift anything, although I have done a little bit of laundry... just folding a little bit.  Mostly they do it themselves. 

I was feeling rather neglected for awhile.  Not by eo & the girls, but just people in general.  But a couple people stopped in and I did get a few cards.  It has been kind of tough, because some the people I expected to hear from, I didn't.  Oh well, neglect by "friends" are another tool Satan uses.  I had a really rough day one day, just fell apart. At that point I hadn't gotten a card or call from anyone. 

Then I had a talk with eo, about some other issues I have, and although it was hard,.... not just hard, horrendous, I feel so much better now.   I talked to him about dad's chair, and how so many things that happen, makes me flash back to that point and has me so unsettled.   I told him how, when he never even talked to me about dad's chair, he just made the decision to take it to the dump, cut me deeply.  How I saw him drive away with dad's chair in the back of the truck, brought me to my knees.  How it made me feel like dad died again, that him taking the chair without talking to me, made me feel robbed. It was out of my hands when he died and it was out of my hands when he took the chair.  I knew the chair was falling apart, but I needed to be able to say goodbye.  I never got to say goodbye to dad.  I told him how dad would have me sit behind him in the chair and scratch his back.  How he would hold me and read to me or tell me stories. How when he needed the chair, I helped mom pick it out and bring it home for dad.  How when dad had his chemo treatment, I would clean his hair off the chair for him.  That there was alot of memories with that chair. 

Naturally eo said he had no idea I felt that way.  Why would he, I never told him.  There are many things I have never told him, because, I didn't think he cared.  He asked me, when it comes to something like that, something that has a lot of meaning to me, he wants me to tell him. 

It is so hard for me to tell him ... or anyone certain things, because, I just believe no one cares.  I know where it all stems from and why I have the "no self-worth" issues I do, but I still fail to overcome them.

And not having anyone send a card or stop in didn't help either.  So I really went off the deep end.  In front of the girls, I lost it.  I apologized to all of them.  I know my girls love me and care about me.  It wasn't fair that I made them feel like I didn't appreciate them.  they understood, what I was going through.  well sort of. they knew i was struggling after my surgery and needed comfort.  

I think part of it too was, everyone was off doing their own thing, and I was left alone.  Not neglected, they came and fed me and helped me as much as they could, but I was still mostly alone.  The first 2 days home, I kept someone in the room with me all the time.  I didn't want to be alone.  But after that, I was alone too much.

It was emotionally rough for a week or so, but it is better now.  Now I'm not struggling so much.  I still have some discomfort if I lay on my left side, I think things are pulling too much. 

I am so physically weak.  I've started stretching again.  I can't hardly do anything with my arms.  I am so bad, I don't know how I am going to manage next week.  Tuesday I have one doc. apt. Then I am going to go to the mall with Steph.  Kind of a bonding thing.  She has shopping to do, but doesn't know the area very well.  Thursday I have 3 doc apts.  3!!!
But at least I won't have any shopping to do.

Oct. 8th is Emily Livingston's grad party.  They asked us to come help.  We will go down in the morning so we can help set up.  We will be there all day and then stay the night.  I'm sure it will kill me.  AUGH!  We will also be bringing a ton of stuff!  I don't know if we will have the van at that point.  We plan to take Steph's car as we just can't afford the gas. I do hope we can sell the van SOON!!!  Only Jehovah can sell it, as it is a van, no one else can afford the gas for it either.