I am feeling foggy today, or I am in a fog.  Day's like this are hard as it means my brain is struggling even more.  I have already found I am having trouble with the basic daily things I do.  This ought to be fun for the family.  It is hard for them to help me when i can't think.  Oh well.  We just go day by day.

Last night EO said Carol has fluid is starting to build up in one of her lungs.  They don't know why this is happening, but they are working on figuring it out.  Hope it doesn't take them long to resolve it.  EO said she is moving around better and that is great.  And that some swelling may have gone down.  IT is hard to really know but my worry is that the fluid has just shifted.  EO says he worries that the cancer may have effected her kidneys so they aren't working as well as they should. I know we can come up with a hundred possibilities and not be right about any of them.  That fact remains we just don't know, so we can't be freaking out about all the things it may or not be, but we just have to be patient and see what happens, as they are well aware of what is going on and are working on it. 

I was so sick last night.  the fog started last night with the fever.  So all I could do last night was listen to the meeting, taking notes was far beyond me.  My morning worship was a real challenge too, but it was still comforting.  When I get sick like this, it is harder for me to not overly worry about all the stresses around us.  But Jehovah always helps to to get things into perspective and that helps me to feel at ease.  I know my morning worship routine has made the difference.  It just calms me down so whatever the day brings I can cope in a calmer way.  I have tried doing other things for morning worship, like studying WT & Awake mags, studying various WT publications, daily text, but Bible reading and letter writing work the best for me.  Direction from the Bible and hope that the reader of the letter will have an open heart and mind to be drawn to Jehovah, then I finish by listening to Songs for Worship that sooth my soul and bring me contentment. 

EO just brought some towels to the table to be folded.  folding sheets and bath towels are still my toughest chore.  As anything that involves me holding my arms completely out KILLLLLLLLLS my arms.  EO knows how much I HATE HATE HATE being a lazy butt not doing anything.  The scripture that says, He that doesn't work, neither should he eat... well, every day I think about that scripture and every day I try to do at least one task, no matter how sick I am.  I am so pathetic, worthless and useless already, but I can't give up, I have to keep trying, it is my responsibility to Jehovah to oversee the well being of my family is addressed.  The scriptures are why we have taught the kids to have a strong worth ethic.  Because all of life is work.   EO has always been afraid, what if he and I died, what would the kids do?  live on the street and mooch off of everyone else?  It is easy to say Jehovah will provide, but it is hard for him to provide when we are too lazy to take care of ourselves.  He also feels it is wrong to get married JUST to have someone else take care of you.  What happens if your spouse gets sick or injured, then what?  He was talking to me about it again.  He has been going through out life insurance papers and mortgage insurance, to be sure there is enough to pay our debts and what not if we were to die.  So it is on his mind. He mentioned his mind is at ease that the kids have jobs and have learned to be responsible.