I don't understand what is wrong with this blue bird.  Actually there are at least 3 pairs of blue birds, and they are all acting very strange.  But the other day, I looked at the living room window and there is blood all over the outside window.  We looked but didn't see any birds on the ground.  Then this female blue bird, keeps attacking our window.  It is so strange.  She attacks, just the windows on the south side of the house. While she does that, a male swoops down and chases her.  Lauren says she sees a black spot on the female's head.  Something is really wrong with her that is for sure.  I just wonder what is wrong with her.  She has been like this for more than a week.  Lauren put a dish of bird seed out for them. I thought maybe she is just too big to fit our little feeder.  I don't know though.  Latae is having fun watching them though.

So I think Leon will be home today,  but not sure.  I haven't talked to him, but then he never calls when he is up there.  He says he just doesn't ever have time.  I don't call, because I don't want to bother him. I know he needs a break.  Care givers need vacations too.

The girls & I went today to go clean the Hall.  Julie is on the list for cleaning this week too.  So we asked if she would do the bathrooms.  Then to save time, I  brought my vacuum.  Ours is so much easier to use to vac the chairs off.  There is so much pet hair and white hair on the chairs all the time, and glitter.  Plus I picked up a set of magazines for our personal reading mags.  So Steph & I vacuumed and Lauren dusted & emptied the garbage.

I about cried the other day.  Bro. Johnson gave the part on what was accomplished for the special month of aux.  in April.  He said he had to make a special point of saying "At a girl" to Robyn Nelson.  That I stirred a pot when I signed up to AUX. That a number of other people found out I signed up and they said if I can do it they should be able to.  Then he mentioned I made my time by writing to people and couldn't imagine how I could do that without getting cramps in my hands.  Anyway, with referring to how sick I am, and how I made the effort, it was encouraging to so many.  Then several told Lauren to be sure to give me a hug.  Colton got to hear the comments too and was encouraged by it. As well as mom.  I just guess it is nice to know I'm not totally forgotten or maybe even have an ounce of worth. 

I do hate that I have such horrible self worth issues.  I've just had to many very bad things happen to me me much of my life.    Since I moved away, no one from Duluth keeps in touch.  My family doesn't even keep in touch.  If they don't keep in touch, doesn't that mean they don't miss you?  They don't miss you and don't care if they ever see you.  That has to be true.  I had one friend who missed me and always made time and made the effort to keep in touch and now she is gone.  Going through all our old post cards, SO many of them are from Kelly and now she is gone.  I guess I will just have to focus on what I have now, the dear friends I have now.  I just look at my past and wonder, but the past won't get me anywhere but behind.

So I know I won't get over my self worth issues until the new system but that's ok.