A sister has been talking about how much she misses her fleshly sister who passed away, and it has really brought up pain I have been trying to bury.  Some say it is important to face your pains and talk about them.  I've faced, I've talked but they don't go away.  So I see nothing wrong with pushing them aside so I can move forward.  I just get so much sicker with my health when I pull these pains out to look at.  Even the Bible talks about mental and emotional pain being damaging to us.  Kelly wasn't my fleshly sister, but she was sure close to it.  We meet in kindergarten and were pretty much inseparable until I moved to OR.  Although we still wrote a lot, and we tried to spend time together, even after I got married, we weren't as close after she moved to MD.  I think we didn't write as much after she got married.  I knew she had a lot to adjust to, so I told her I was going to give her some space, but still keep in touch.  At least until she adjusted to marriage and Bethel life.  Then we started getting closer again.  Although the last few years before she died, I wasn't writing as much because it was just so hard for me to do, she still kept an eye on me.  The last time they came up to WI she made sure to come and see me.  I felt so honored and touched.  I sure had missed her.  Now over 2 years of not looking for products for her care package.  Because we have never had a ton of money, all year long I would buy items and add them to her care package.  So I thought about her needs all the time.  So to not be looking for her mascara and nail polish and jewelry...  I just miss that, because it was always on my mind.  I miss her so much.  

Plus, dad... I went and reread the poem I wrote on here last year on my "personal" page.  As my heart aches so immeasurably deep for Kelly... it is twice as deep for my dad.  That sounds crazy, but the wound is that deep.  I can't even talk about him.  I only have to think about Kelly for about 20 or 30 seconds before I break down crying... I can go to my "safe place" and keep myself in check... but dad?  I just can't talk about dad today.

It is just to hard to face these things.  I try, but.  I will only cause myself to have another flare up and I need to be as stable as possible for my family.  They are all trying to hard to make spiritual progress and I just don't want to bring unnecessary drama into their lives that might inhibit their goals.   

BTW  I added a new video to my "misc pics" page.  It is so comforting, I just love it!