I can't find the digital voice recorder.  the last time I remember seeing it, was when I listed to the last meeting we had.  Then it was given to ma to listen to.  Then so many meetings were canceled that... i don't remember getting it back.  I have searched through everything twice...three times.  There are two places I sit, and occasionally three.  I sit at the dinning table or I am in bed.  once in awhile I sit in the living room.  Well, we don't have anything in the living room.  I have torn everything apart at the table and by my bed.   then I began to look other places. I just can't find it.

So after I had looked through everything, and Lauren looked through her stuff and EO looked through his stuff. I broke down bawling.  This is our life.  we need that recorder.  Mom didn't want to buy one, she just wanted mine. so we don't have a back up.  I was so sick yesterday, I didn't even remember it was Saturday.  So it never occurred to me to look for it yesterday.  But up until then, I never knew it was missing.  I still though my mom had it.

i am so heart broke.  it has been so long since we had a meeting.  so i got up and looked some more.  then i thought i would go take a shower and try looking again.  So I tore everything apart again.  i have no idea where it could be.

when phone hook up was canceled, i was horribly crushed.  just really devastated.  well, i'm not that bad, because i know we can have meetings recorded.  so i have wasted more money again. and i don't know when EO is going to have time to go up and buy another one.  i don't even think we have grocery money to steal from again.  but....for today, i am missing another meeting.  Maybe i wouldn't be as upset if we hadn't missed so many meetings prior.  or maybe i would, because this doesn't just mean, I am missing a meeting but so is ma.  and it is all my fault. she isn't getting spiritual food because of me.

ma says she doesn't have it, but no one remembers getting it from her either.  EO went over there to double check, but he didn't see it. but she insists she doesn't have it.  then she got mad at me and hung up on me.  she was offering to give me her phone to call in... but she wasn't thinking, the brothers said we couldn't do that already.  i told her no and that I needed to go so i could keep looking, that is when she got mad and hung up on me.

when i think of it, i don't know why she was so mad at me and hung up... but then, it is my fault she won't get the meeting.  i just can't take this.  it is hard enough to miss out on meetings, but to cause someone else to miss out... because i'm too stupid to keep track of things.  she looses out on spiritual food that we need to survive.  she isn't getting what she needs.  

i really feel, ... there is such a huge difference between being at the meeting, being on the phone hook up and listening to a recording.  when physically at the Hall, you feel this incredible warmth from the brothers but mostly from Jehovah's holy spirit, because that is where it is.  When you are on the phone... that warmth and spirit drops...alot.  and when you listen to a recording... 
at the Hall is like standing under a waterfall,
phone hook up is like standing under a shower,
listening to a recording is like being under a tiny trickle of water.
it isn't as easy to wash the grossness of this old system off you as it is when you are there or at least on the phone.  

i am thankful that the brothers let us record, or else we would be living in a gross mess.

well, i am just going to keep looking and hope i find it by Tuesday.  i just don't know where else to look.