Last night, while I was in bed watching TV, EO calls for me.  My office chair that I use had broke.  He had been sitting, well laying back in it watching videos on youtube.  He said the metal plate broke.  with my back and hip so bad, I can't sit on our regular chair for more than 10 minutes, and a lot of the time that is way to long.  My back and hips will be horrible the rest of the day. So sometime soon, we are going to have to get another one.  

I have tried to do letter writing while laying down or sitting on the couch or my recliner, but I can't do it without a table.  So i do hope and pray we can get one soon.  i know money will be an issue, so... we will see. 

I was still kind of flustered last night with all the work we were doing.  It was hard for me to relax.  i thought maybe today i would try to do a little cleaning, but now that i don't have a chair, I won't be getting to it anytime soon. Oh well. 

EO is getting ready to leave, he is taking his dad up town.  So I am on my own today.  At least he made sure I had something for lunch.  My allergies are still unhappy from yesterday. Well, they hadn't really recovered from a couple weeks ago.  I am sure one of these days it will get better.

so super tired right now. i'm guessing it is the weather. i'm looking forward to seeing the sun shine again.  I really think it is partly why I have the "blues" today.  i just feel defeated and i'm not sure why.  perhaps it has to do with what an enormous struggle yesterday was for me.  My brain issues really leave me feeling helpless.  Really, all I can do is simply the best I can.  I know I will have off days just as I have right along. I have to just roll with it no matter how tough it is. 

time to start morning worship.  





*************UPDATE

So after our morning worship, I had a mini meltdown. Satan has been beating us both with discouragement so so so much. I have been trying so hard to not burden EO with things, but I just needed to talk to him and tell him how i have been feeling.  Months ago, there was the talk on not doing letter writing, but to turn in the "not-at-homes" for phone witnessing. as that is what the society would like us to focus on with our "NAH"s.  Although the brothers said I could keep doing letter writing, But i feel like I'm not totally on track, because I am not doing what the society says by stopping the letter writing.  EO helped me to adjust my focus, by reminding me in very rare cases, when someone is so sick like I am, that it is acceptable.  So that did help me with dealing with that.

Then the other thing I told him, is although I am thankful we are allowed to record the meetings, i lost my motivation to study for meetings.  When I had the phone hook up, I had a time limit to get my studying done before the meeting. But since the phone was shut off, I just don't feel any sort of urgency to get my studying done.  And I am feeling a loss of urgency in my worship.  When I had the phone hook up, I took notes and felt a real connection to the meetings.  I know I have posted about this before, because I've been struggling with it.  But the effect on me, is far more debilitating.  I have been trying to deal with it on my own with prayer and effort, but I'm only getting worse.  

I apologized to EO for burdening him with this, when he has so much more to deal with.  But he said he understood my feelings.  As it turns out, his depression is getting worse as well.   He says, he feels abandoned.  Soon his mom will be gone, and he worries his dad might too, his family is leaving, two kids are gone and soon to be three.  Before fall, it will be down to Bill, EO and Colton at the meetings.  He just doesn't feel like there is any point to be here in Solon if his dad were to die.  But he doesn't know where we would go either. There would be nothing here for him, but there would be nothing for us anywhere.

the fact is, today i am praying for encouragement.  EO & I are in serious need of it.  We need to get busier with our studying, which we are going to start doing our WT's together.  so yes yes yes, more prayer, more studying... but we need something FAR FAR FAR more.  We need some support, someone to just say, "hang in there" just to know we aren't alone  so he doesn't feel abandoned.  

We know that it is just too many people leaving all at once.  The timing of everyone leaving on top of this load he has had to carry for so many months.  He feels like he has been kicked in the teeth.  NOT NOT NOT NOT that he blames everyone for leaving.  That isn't the case at all.  Everyone has to leave at some point and they all have their reasons for going.  And it is beneficial for them to move.  It is just the timing, all at once after months of extreme stress.  

I think after all this time of heart breaking stress with no let up, we just need support.

the WT last week, While Moses held his hands up the battle was successful, but when he couldn't hold his hands up anymore, he had others there to help hold his hands up for him.  That is where we are at.  We just need that kind of support.  EO can't handle the early morning service days as he is just so mentally and emotionally worn out.  but, at the same time, he has to be available to take his dad to town.  So his service is suffering.  He wants it to get better, but he just needs someone who can drop everything and go...in our tiny cong.. we know that is 100% impossible to arrange.  our territory is too rural for that as well. 

maybe for now, we could just have some friends over for a meal or something.  i've been worried right along for him, for the loads he carries, now I am beyond worried, I'm scared for him.  in the meantime I will keep on praying.