yesterday just kept getting harder for me as the day went on. it ended up being one of those days I can't even talk.  So I just vegged the whole day.  it was the kind of day that freaks EO out cause I with draw into myself as my brain shuts me down almost completely, about the only thing i can do is breath.  Thankfully he wasn't here all day.  When he got back, I still couldn't pull out of it and it took all my strength to respond to him, as I just didn't want him to see me so sick too.... man I am having trouble today with spelling.  which that happens after a bad brain day.  but i am having to correct almost every other word. 

after EO was done working he brought his dad up to see Carol.  EO just worries she will never be well enough to come home.  she won't be coming home this week either.  they just don't know when she will be able to come home as she is just not recovering very fast at all, and it seems like there is something more happening now.  maybe once she gets help at the dentist today, she will be able to eat again soon and then maybe she will start getting some strength back.  It is hard to see EO coming home so disheartened. 

my dad never had a cavity in his life, but when his cancer took off, his teeth fell apart.  so again this is reminding me of my dad.  then EO asked me some questions last night about about how I dwelt with it.  like, since my dad refused to die in a hospital,  my grandma Frances is a nurse, so between my mom and grandma they took care of him once he was bed ridden. (which was about 2-3 weeks or so)  EO asked how it was to still live in the house where he died.  I told him, i really couldn't go anywhere else and I didn't want to be anywhere else, because my memories of him were throughout the house.  to me it felt like he was at the elder's schooling and he would be back one day.  And 4 or 5 years later, when i moved from being in the basement to my parent's bedroom (cause it was the only room my bed fit in), the room he died in, ... i made the room my own, by wall papering and putting up new curtains.  that if i would have left it the way they had it, it might have been harder for me, but by changing the appearance, it crossed my mind from time to time, that it was his room, but I didn't have any negative feelings about it. I actually was glad to be in his room.  His electric toothbrush case was still on the wall in the bathroom and I could still smell his hairspray in there.  Actually I think I can still smell his hairspray when I think about it.  Funny how smell is connected to memory.  It kept him close to me, rather than cutting him off.  I learned early how to embrace the warm memories and let go of the pain of the loss.  I do from time to time still hurt, but I can't function with the hurt.  Perhaps because I was only 11, I was able to find a way to deal with it quicker?  as it seem to take me much longer to cope with loosing Kelly.  or maybe it took longer because i am so sick, or maybe i had lost too much by that point... or most likely it was a combination of all of it.

EO is worried.  

EO took Steph to eye apt today.  i was just in no condition to go today. As it was, I went to sleep early last night and i didn't get up the first time i woke up, but i let myself go right back to sleep.  I seldom do that.  my muscles are still upset from that bad flare up the other night.  so i am trying to do extra stretching to help with it instead of taking pills.  i hate having to take so many pills every day.  really hate it.  and i am still so sick.  but i know i would be way worse... unimaginatively worse.